


champagne problems

by Liveforthestars



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, I try, Not a healthy relationship, Struggling with Identity, TW: Panic Attacks, a lot of it, and crappy, but oh well, derek being the only person with his shit together, enjoy anyway, hurt!emily, hurt!hotch, im sorry, this is unedited, tw: miscarriages, tw: semi suicidal thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-17
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-13 00:29:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29518107
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Liveforthestars/pseuds/Liveforthestars
Summary: Aaron and Emily were in a secret relationship before Doyle. When Emily returns home Aaron proposes and Emily says no. What's going to happen when Emily finds out that not only is Hotch engaged but also going to have a kid?
Relationships: Aaron Hotchner/Emily Prentiss
Comments: 1
Kudos: 15





	champagne problems

**Author's Note:**

> please please check the trigger warnings in the tags!! i hope you guys enjoy this super self indulgent fic

Emily got the text from Derek. He was the only one besides Dave that knew. If she had told JJ or Pen then she knew when she eventually fucked things up then she would have to see the looks on their faces when they realize the pain that was inflicted.

_ He proposed to her. She said yes, the wedding is in a few months. _

Just like that Beth was wearing the ring she pictured on her finger. Well, that was before Doyle. Before Emily managed to sabotage everything  _ again.  _ She took a deep breath and slipped back on the mask of Prentiss, sending Emily slithering into the shadows. Derek had a trip scheduled for next week and he would be here, and Emily could come out again. She could hide her true self for that long. She scoffed at herself when she realized that ability to put herself away was what caused her to be in this exact position. 

Prentiss threw herself into her work. Not coming up for air, not answering Dave’s calls, not sleeping, this was how she functioned. Less time for thinking the less her thoughts can hurt her. This was who she was. 

She picked up Derek from the airport on a Friday, pulling out two beers the second they got to her apartment. 

“You know when I requested this time off and told Hotch I was coming to visit you and Garcia didn’t put in any time off, I swear that man looked jealous,” Morgan said. Emily stiffened knowing he was doing this purely to get her to take down the shield that was Prentiss. The worst part was that it was working. 

“We both know Hotch is too skilled of a profiler to betray his emotions regarding me, even if he was jealous. Although there is no way he was jealous.” That was a lie and she knew it. Aaron had always been slightly jealous whenever it came to Derek. But there was no way in hell she was going to give him the satisfaction of  _ potentially  _ being right. 

Derek took a long sigh. “Em, there’s um something else you should know. Hotch also announced that him and Beth are expecting. He said that’s not the reason they’re getting married I actually found out only today-” Emily couldn’t hear what he was saying. His voice faded to black. She was back in the hospital room. She could hear the pity in the doctors voice telling her there was no way the baby could’ve survived, saying she may never be pregnant again, it was all rushing into her head. She couldn’t breathe. Her clothes were too tight, they were suffocating her baby. She was killing her baby again. Emily was hyperventilating at this point. Her head felt light and she put her hands on her ears begging for the goddamn doctors to just shut up. To stop repeating the fact that the 6 weeks she unknowingly spent as a mother were a failure. To stop repeating the fact that those were the only weeks she would ever spend as a mother. 

“Emily, Emily hey look at me. Look at me,” Derek was talking to her now. She could barely see him through the blur of tears in his eyes. “Hey breathe with me, you’re okay. Em, you're okay. Inhale and exhale okay. You’re doing great just keep breathing for me Emily.”

“I am not okay,” Emily whispered between breaths. 

“I know, I know,” Derek said, matching her voice level. “How long have you had them?”

“I’ve had small ones in college but after Doyle it just well here we are.”

“Does he know?” Emily knew he was not going to like the answers. Derek was a profiler the second she told him the answer he would be able to put together everything that was the fragments of Aaron and Emily together into a perfectly clear picture. Or however clear of a picture it could be with her in it. 

“It never affected the job. My therapist cleared me and there was no reason for Hotch to know.”

Derek sighed. He knew how Emily thought. In extreme cases Emily often separated people from work and personal even if they are in both aspects of her life. It’s how she compartmentalizes. It’s how she’s so good at her job. Derek knew he was going to have to get specific with her. “I am not talking about Hotch,” Derek said. “I’m talking about Aaron. I’m guessing Aaron doesn’t know.” He put extra emphasis on Aaron, making it clear the answer he wanted. With her compartmentalization skills and the confusion from the panic attack he knew what was best. 

Emilly scoffed. “Of course Aaron doesn’t know. Aaron worries. I never wanted him to worry about me. I never deserved to for him to be worried about me. Especially not after I killed his child.”

Derek sighed. He knew about Emily’s miscarriage. He was pretty sure he was the only one that knew. She told him about it when she was explaining why she was moving to London. 

“Emily you didn’t know you were pregnant. There is no way you killed your baby. Doyle did, when he drove that stake through your stomach. And that sucks. Because Emily you would’ve been the best damn mother. And don’t you dare think you wouldn’t. I know you still call Jack and write letters to him. I know you see that boy as your own. You were there for that kid after his mother died and you were the first person to make his dad smile after too. That little kid loves you.”

“I don’t deserve his love! I don’t deserve anyone’s love! I am a monster Derek don’t you get that?,” Emily screamed as sobs racked her body. 

Derek’s eyes softened. He knew she was struggling but he was mad he let it get this far. “Emily you are not a monster. We see monsters every day and when I look at you I see the exact opposite. You are not a monster.”   
  
“The worst part of this is I let him win,” Emily said, tears still flowing down her cheeks. “I let Doyle ruin my life. That man is dead and he is still controlling my life. I let him take the most important things from me. Not only did I lose my child but I lost Aaron. He proposed you know? After Doyle, he asked me to marry him. Asked me to be his wife and to love him for eternity. He started talking about how he wanted to have a future with me and have kids with me. He wanted to have kids with me. How was I supposed to tell him I could never give him the thing he deserved the most? How was I supposed to tell him he could’ve had everything he wanted, if only I wasn’t such a failure. He clearly didn’t know about my miscarriage. I couldn’t tell him, that would destroy him. I wasn’t going to do anymore damage than I already did. So I kept it to myself, letting him live the life he always dreamed of even if it cut me out of that dream. And so I lost Aaron too. And I don’t know how to be Emily without Aaron anymore. And I know it sounds childish and crazy but that’s the truth. I don’t know how to be her, to be the woman I once was when he doesn’t love that woman anymore. And so I’m going through day by day being Prentiss. Except, being Prentiss is slowly killing me too. So Derek who am I supposed to be? Lauren Reynolds died in a car crash, so I can’t be her. Emily died when Aaron put me in the ground. Prentiss is slowly dying bit by bit whenever she sees the horrors that come with our job. So who the hell am I supposed to be?”

“Emily, you don’t have to be any of those people. You keep seeing yourself as different versions of yourself, in the ways other people see you. How do you see yourself? And don’t say a monster because that’s how Doyle sees you. That is not how you see you. You need to be the person that isn’t seen. Because you can put on a different mask of yourself, but who are you really? That’s what you gotta figure out. Who the person underneath all the different versions of yourself. That is who you are. And that is who you need to let other people see.”

“How long until I figure that out?”

“Until however long it takes to recognize yourself.”

Emilly lets out a soft chuckle, “God when did you grow up? Last time I checked you were still making sex jokes at work like a 14 year old boy.” 

Derek scoffs at that knowing that she needs time to process what was said and switching back to the light hearted banter they normally have. “Last time I checked 14 year old Derek Morgan was a catch thank you very much.” Derek pulled her into a side hug, trying to show his support with more than just words. 

Derek stuck around for a couple days. He knew Emily needed someone to remind her to take care of herself and that she deserved it. He even got her to take a couple days off. He told Emily he wanted to spend time with her when in all honesty he had ulterior motives. He was afraid she would do something reckless and dangerous. Emily always had a tendency to be semi reckless when out in the field so with everything going on in her life right now he didn't want to take any chances. Of course that plan all went to hell when an amber alert for a two year old little girl came in.

Fast forward twelve hours later he was sitting in the waiting room and Emilyl was in surgery for the bullet she managed to get lodged in her shoulder. And he knew he was going to have to make a call that would leave two people very unhappy with him. But he had to. He needed to take at least a couple more days off because Derek Morgan will be damned if he leaves Emily ‘I would rather die before asking for help’ Prentiss alone after being shot. 

“Hotchner”

“Hey Hotch, it’s Morgan. I need a favor. Emily had a case come up and she got hurt, she’s okay but the doctor wants someone to stay with her for a couple days just as a precaution.”

Hotch tensed up on the other side of the phone. All he heard was  _ Emily  _ and  _ hurt _ and his brain shut down. He took in a shaky deep breath, trying not to let his worry show over the phone to Morgan. “Yeah of course. Just make sure she’s okay,” Hotch said gruffly. He hated the way his worry seized his chest. He shouldn’t feel like this about the woman that broke his heart. He has a kid on the way and a fiancee. He was finally happy. He shut off the part of his heart that Emily Prentiss had occupied and he would be damned if he opened that part again. 

“Thanks man. I’ll see you in a few days,” Morgan replied before hanging up the phone. 

As Derek Morgan went to go check on his best friend, Aaron Hotchner tried to continue on with his day. He tried to complete the piles of paperwork on his desk. He tried not to think about the last time Emily was in the hospital. He tried not to think about the last time she was there. Tried not to think about the way he was standing outside the hospital room when they had said she had a miscarrige. Tried not to think about the fact that she never told him, and never knew he knew. How they both had to grieve for their child separately. He should’ve been the bigger person. He should’ve said he overheard and gathered her up in his arms and just let her be broken with him. Was it wrong to have him let them both suffer alone? Was it wrong he was ecstatic to be having another child again when she had lost that chance? He tried to broach the subject of kids with her, and the next thing he knew she was gone. Aaron had always compared Emily to the wind. Her free spirit and her independence. The way she drew you in and could let you go at any time. She blew him away, then she left him. He should’ve known that she would fly away one day. And he would be lying to himself if he said that not having to deal with the fear of her leaving anymore was a relief. Still a piece of him could never let go of her. He thinks it was that part of him that caused him to call her. 

“Prentiss,” Emily answered after being woken up by her ringing phone at one in the morning.

“Oh I’m sorry I didn’t look at the time, I’ll let you get some sleep,” Hotch cursed himself.

“No it’s fine. What’s up Hotch? Did Derek’s phone die, do you need me to go wake him?” Hotch hates how her first thought goes to the job. Goes to the fact that he could never call her just to call her. 

“No, Morgan mentioned that you had an injury in the field. I wanted to make sure you’re okay.”

Emily let out a nervous chuckle, slowly plotting Morgan’s death. “Oh yeah I’m fine, I’ve been shot before. Honestly Hotch there’s no need to worry,” Emily said. Before she could stop herself she said, “I hear congratulations are in order. Both on the engagement and the wedding.”

Hotch swallowed the lump in his throat. “Thank you. Jack is ecstatic to be a big brother.”

This made Emily smile. “That kid is gonna be the best big brother.”

Hotch felt the pang in his chest when he heard that. “Yeah he will. Emily are you okay? Not just physically but I uh,” he didn’t want to bring this up but he needed too, “I know about the miscarrige Emily. I heard the doctor tell you. I should’ve told you I knew but you seemed like you needed space and I tried to give it to you-”

“Aaron. I didn’t tell you because I wanted to spare you the pain. I also thought that if you knew then you would hate me for killing your baby.”

Hotch sighed. Of course that’s where her mind went. It’s where it always went. “I know you didn’t know you were pregnant. You didn’t kill our baby Em.”

“But I am the reason why it was killed.”

“Stop, Em. I loved you then and fuck I still love you now. So please don’t carry this alone.”

“Aaron I am not the woman you fell in love with. I tried to be her but I’m not. I’m still looking for my old self but I can’t find it. And maybe I never will. I will always love you Aaron, but Em, the Emily to your Aaron she is too fucked in the head. And maybe that’s not the worst thing in the world. Because I don’t think I can be that Emily anymore. So you need to let go of me. You have a fiance. You have a baby on the way, you’re having all of the things you always wanted,” Emily said quietly.

“You were included in those dreams you know.”   
  
“I know I was. But I could never give you those dreams. So go live your dreams. You have the chance I will never have so please Aaron for the love of god, live your dreams for the both of us. It is the only way I know I did the right thing.” He could hear the tears in her voice. Knowing Emily and her amazing hearing he could hear the ones in his voice.

“Okay. I am glad you’re okay.”

“Thanks. Goodbye Aaron.”

“Goodbye Emily.”

With one press of the button to end the call, they both also took all of the fragments of their relationships and smashed them further. But maybe that was okay. Not every relationship is meant to have a happy ending. Emily knew that. But she still held out hope that Aaron’s would. Because that’s what he deserved. 


End file.
